I'm Not A Boy, Not Yet A Man

"The unreachable always taste the worst", the words from someone who can never get what they want.
To prove it, think of the word "nostalgia". The past, when things were still the way they "meant to be", is what we yearning all this time, right?

Probably time moves on, i change. I dont know how much. The way i think? The way i speak? My perception on people? My sets choices? My own boundaries of reality and imagination? My desire? My goal? My perception on the people close to me? My own definition of reality and realistic?

I can only said i changed under circumstances.

I used to think fast and joke a lot; i used to voice out just anything that came across my mind; I used to laugh out loud without even concealing my hideous teeth in public; I used to spoil around with stranger and still be fun with them; I used to be talkative to stranger; i used to be care free of what's next.

Today, someone speak out loud to me, "为什么还要虚伪？(Why r u acting fake?)"

All this time, i am a "fake" and insincere person to them.

Probably there is no need to explain or to tell people who i am, because i dont think words convey the very truth from the bottom of one's heart. I will never struggle to prove. I will only like to say, as much as i care about work, i also care about u as a friend of mine. I am not being fake, but i am caring how u mite think and feel and being responsible for my own words at the same time.

I admit i am ego, maybe i am fear of losing the chances and everything i worked for will meant for nothing, and maybe i am just fear of becoming nothing. Probably this fear had been governing me all this time unconsciously and changed me to who i am today, but my thoughts do not only centering myself.

To people who are still living on a bed of roses, u might not understand how life goes on when u have nothing. I am just another ordinary person with my own story and apparently going through hardship. 

Maybe i am still unable to overcome this fear right now, yet, i believe these are all part of becoming someone better and stronger, and most importantly, it's life.

There is nothing to be regret of being of who i am, and i will never stop attempting to be better.
Viva La vida!