Make. Believe. Not Sony

Days and days and days and days............................i can keep on mumbling the same thing for hours. Hours to me is like seconds right now, especially when your going all out to do things that you are said to out of the capabilities. Well, at least its my choice of doing things im not capable of.

    Think about it, we live in a world where people regularly try to keep track on their own capability just like login fb everyday. Whenever making decision or doing something, you never stop comparison, even though deep inside you, you know its purely analytic not even synthesizing anything . In the process, they belittle not only themselves but also those around them. Then, there are the 2nd type of person that are aware of their own capabilities but over obsessed with their pride. Whenever he or she answered questions, there is always this universal style of answering: belittle everybody around her, but in truth we all know she only belittle herself even more.

    Im amazed at myself on the fact i can make it till today while living in the world that clings solely on the "interpretation" and the "common sense" of "capability". At least that prove to me one thing, not a single living entity in this world can stop you from choosing to live. It's exciting to do things people think you usually can't, at least when we are still young!

    I don't love to do things because of not believing myself, nor doing nothing while believing in something. I try not to make believe. I make, I believe.

Before we getting into August...

Dreams are sweet, but when the bubbles broken, frustrations aside, the "hope" of getting back into the dreams is usually one of the strongest motivating force driving u all the way back into slumber.
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Exactly what i felt when i wake up today.

"廉"语说：早睡早起，离我越来越遥远~

 It is "keal-logically" proven that middle of the years are always the most fantastic opportunity to test my patience. This year, i've finally achieved exceptional result after long years of torturing battle between my alter-"Ego"s. Credits goes to "Architecture", which i willingly convert myself into its vampire. If Architecture is Edward, then im his Bella. Erm....sort of........i think. Okay, its a bad analogy, i admit. What i'm trying to point out is that its kinda like a bad romance. How should i said.........U love it and u hate it, but u cant allow urself to do both with 100% input, since the output is always unpredictable. Well, its very abstract to explain (while trying to avoid long grandma talk), i'd always remind myself :"真正的爱过才是无遗憾的"(meaning: don't let tomorrows' rain spoiled today's sun when it still on us #PS: to those who know chinese, i noe its a little to exaggerating ^^" ).

I'd spent my month doing exactly nothing, yes, absolutely nothing (other than the usuals, eg, babysit Albert, daily argument with mom, observing cats, social experiments on my friends, movies, bla3). I used to resent a lot during boredom. Try to picture boredom not as an empty space, but as a necessary void connecting different space, like a corridor in the castle with the breathtaking view of the icy mountains below, who said it served no purpose at all?
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The ideas of keep dreaming might be sexy, but if there is no wake up at all, then i will miss the chance to enjoy the beautiful view of flower blossoms along the streets with my mom, while arguing our choices for lunch. ;)

What the water gaves me?

I always question. There is not a second in my life that i live without questioning, or at least i always do it in the head. Most of the time, questions are rarely answered, perhaps cannot be answered sometimes. 

"What do u want the most? What do u wish the most? and why?"

I can manage to tell the "whats", but when it comes to "why"... Its not that i'm to misery to know the "why", to be able to answer "why", we also need the courage to tell, to tell the truth.

All this time i wanted to live great and be wherever i wannabe. The truth is, all i want is to be happy going through all that. Wouldn't it be okay as long as i'm happy even not living in dreams. So, what my dreams really are? Why am i pursuing them? Why am i even questioning?

Right now, i don't really know if i have enough courage and strength to answer the questions, however, i will at least use this semester break to seek the truth. To begin my first step, i'll be away from FB for the whole break, to clear my mind. Following is to live my life in Kampar quietly, that doesn't mean i don't talk or isolate myself from socializing at all, that is juz me wanted to observe and listen more. ;P

Will try to update my blog as frequent as possible btw, while experiencing my holiday like going with the flow of water.

My writing, My liking

Writing is sometimes a funny thing.
U can write a bunch of thing and u still feel nothing for it.

Writer's block? No, im not much of an expert in the manipulation of words. Well, i'm not especially gifted in words, some might even comment my lack of drives in going deeper in writing. That's probably right, almost completely true. Then again, commenting w/o noticing my lack of interest is simply being judgemental, or over-assertive, or ignorance.

 Why bother? My writing, my liking.
Yes.......
My life, is how i decided to mess with it.  

What Doesn't Kills Me, Makes Me Stronger.

It is intended to leave the blog for a while, still, i have to apologize i didn't make any notice abt it. Perhaps i was in the dark back then, all i can actually do to move on(from some bad memories) is to keep myself occupied and tired, till a level that i don't want to stop down and think properly for myself. I was, indeed, escaping from something after all.

 Then there comes the time when u actually cannot bear with the stress any more, your body collapse (a little, in my case) and your mind is completely emptied. Devoid of fear, u left wf nothing else to worry, seeing only your own self, the current self.

  I came this far, however, this is not yet a place for me to rest. Put it in other words, it is still the dawn in my journey. I decided, rather to be the escaping one, this time, i'll turn things the other way round by facing my life bravely with all the courage and bonds i gained along my life. In the hope to change from time to time, to be a better man, because after all the defeats and miseries, i've come to understand being strong is easier than escaping from pain. Endurance is the greatest strength second to determination.

  So what's up around me lately? Well, life had been pretty mercy (thrs definitely a fine line btw the words 'easy' and 'mercy'), not until lately, i can sense the invitations to some difficulties, although it is odd this time round. Somebody has reminded of who i used to be, as if i'm looking at the reflection of my past, but the questions remains....
  "Have i actually change from that 'me' who i used to be?
   Am i, now, different from that somebody who almost identical to that 'me'? "

  Confidently speaking, i definitely have change. I've change and grow along the years. I'm happy with the man i am now and i have no more fear of becoming my father, because, i can never become him. Whenever i look into the mirror, well, aside from myself, i can also see the reflections of the people that i loved and cared about. My dad, my mom, my sis, my brothers, my friends, or ppl who i was once feared or hated. I have all the fragments of everybody, making me realizing there is simply no need to surrender.

  I am me and i'll b going to choose who i am to be.

  What i have killed, makes me who i am today.

U'll die Or U'll live

I tied my eyes, as i'm only willing to accept what is being told by myself;
Not knowing what's around me; what's going to happen.

Once, choices were given,
in a journey to search for a Precious, an incomprehensible object to me.
A task given by my heart.

Once, two paths given,
On the left is a bright fiery path burning skins off,
 where pains were carved obvious on the eyes on those ahead;
On the right is a dark cold valley welcoming with chills,
 nothing can be sure of with few whispers of promise coming from nowhere.

Then there, began my 1st, and followings regrets.
Yet, clinging on the promises from the silence in the dark,
again, and again, moving on in the absence of the light.

The time comes!
 or so i thought...

Suddenly,
in my hand i felt a momentarily warmth from.
Atlas, am i finally in the Golden land,
as foretold where the Precious is.

Very sure of it, i untied my eyes.

There, in the dim light,
first time seeing clearly in the dark,
fill with emptiness, a wide land with no horizon,
nothing but skulls and thorns.

First time looking at myself,
full of bloods and scars.

There were no tears, there were no screams,
only pain, and pains

I will, i will ready to sacrifice my skin,
in exchange for the right path.


This time, will be my last regret.

Never Stop Hoping and Living, 1st of Jan, 2012

Ushering in 2012 with simply movie, foods, and laughter, nothing can get more delightful than that. Probably every year the same ritual, even though with different ppl, the simplicity within the atmosphere, when we dun need to doubt each other and just let the moments shared and cheers for whatever that might befall upon us. Something, in 2011, i learned, that is the most important and valuable thing in any relationships.

Very, very rare, but when it shines, it's everywhere, and u realised, we don't really search for good things (like happiness, love and hope), cuz they are always here around waiting for us to finally see them, and appreciate their presence.

Close your eyes now, think back whatever happened, the best and the worst moments, take a deep breath, hold it...hold it.......jus hold it still.......
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And NOW, breath out!!! That concludes 2011, by making some spaces to breath in 2012!!! =)

Never Stop Hoping and Living, and dont stop dreaming. ;)